


It's You, They Add Up To

by narrymestyles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-13
Updated: 2013-03-13
Packaged: 2017-12-05 05:25:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/719374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narrymestyles/pseuds/narrymestyles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>sorry the chapters are so short :S x</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

Jubilant laugh bouncing across the paper white walls, he strode into the room, hair a blonde mess of hair spray and quiff, cheeks flushed a rosy pink as bright as his tight Ralph Lauren buttoned polo. 

“Yeah budddy! First show of the tour and we SMASHED it!” the excitement dripped from his tone almost as thickly as the Irish did, as he ran back towards the door to hug his entering bandmate; an exultant ball of irrepressible energy. 

“Woah man, there might be photographers waiting, mind the hair!” his hands immediately, almost instinctively flew to his head, pressing down softly on the unruly strands, pushing them back into place, then turning to smile fondly at the blonde boy sitting on the table, legs swinging wildly, watching with vague amusement at Zayn’s focus on fixing his hair. 

“What’re you-” he was interrupted by his body jerking in response to the vibrating pulse from his pocket, and he reached in quickly to pull out his iPhone, smile spreading across his face when he read the name of the caller. 

“PERRIE! Hey babe- yeah it went soo welllllll- no don’t worry, of course I understand, I’m in a band too! No no, come to the last one, it’s always the best! No, Danielle’s not but I think El’s on her way… Okay, okay-”

Zayn’s voice faded into the distance, conquered by Niall’s invading thoughts. Why had hearing her name brought such an ugly green monster of a mess brewing in his stomach? She was a nice girl, in fact, when she was first on the X-Factor he had quite liked her. Liked her style and how confident she was, and of course her voice, man could she sing! But as of late, he couldn’t understand, whenever he saw her, he wanted her to go away. Whenever he heard her name, he’d want to change the subject. Well that was a lie, he definetely could understand, and that was partly the problem. Mainly the problem. He knew what it was, but there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say, without causing a catastrophe that could potentially ruin their careers. He couldn’t feel like that, not towards Zayn, that would ruin and change everything.

“Well we didn’t really have any plans, I mean, we were thinking of just grabbing dinner or something, nah not a big celebration we’re too tired man, no of course you can come over, alright, okay, yeah I’ll see you soon then babe, love you” Hitting the end space, he slid the phone back into his pocket and walked contentedly towards the rest of the band. 

“So whats happpennninnnnnggggg??” Liam whined while laying fatigued across the couch, feet on Harrys lap and head on Louis’. 

“Well Perrie said she’d come to mine in about an hour, so we could all chill at my place? Or whatever I mean I don’t really mind” 

“Yeah lets do that, I’ll bring popcorn!” Harry interrupted, curls falling in a sweaty mess across his forehead. 

“And I’ll bring a rainbow, we can make gold while we’re at it” Louis teased, winking at Harry and smiling in Niall’s direction. Usually, Niall was never one to let a leprechaun joke go with no retaliation, but something about tonights plans had made him so… Down. He had been sure the band, or at least him Liam, Harry and Zayn would be going to a restaurant for dinner later that night, and it wasn’t that he was the sulking kind; he was always up for change, but the change of plans because of the involvement of Perrie had just made him so mad. He could almost feel the heat bubbling in the pit of his stomach, and the dread of having to spend the rest of the night with her making its ugly way up his trachea. He was happy for Zayn, really, he was, but he just couldn’t… He couldn’t even explain it to himself, let alone anyone else. It just made him mad. Mad, and hurt, his subconscious whispered. So instead, he just raised his upper lip to reveal his teeth hoping it would pass as a smile, and went back to playing with his black Links bracelet on his wrist, trying to even out the little silver thing to be perfectly centered.

Louis looked over at Harry, eyebrows raised in concern at Niall’s lack of response, but Harry just shrugged and clapped his hands together, raising them towards his ear and trying to make out a ‘he’s probably just tired’ gesture. 

“Boys, the cars ready” Paul’s voice boomed over their thoughts, and they hurriedly gathered their belongings and walked towards the door. 

-x-

“I’m just gonna change into something comfier… Yeah I’ll be there in ten” Liam shouted over his shoulder, pulling his key out of his jean pocket and walking towards his apartment. 

“Yeah us too, see ya in a bit bro” Harry seconded, while he and Louis disappeared into their flat. 

Zayn stood at his doorframe, door ajar, body halfway inside. “Niall? You coming or are you gonna go change too?” his voice echoed through the empty complex.

“Um, I think I’ll change, this shirts kinda itchy.” Zayn nodded and shut his door, leaving Niall standing alone in the sheer silence of the night and biting of the wind and haunting of the darkness that crept from every crevice of the complex. He didn’t even think he wanted to go, no, he knew he didn’t want to go; he really wasn’t in the mood for watching Zerrie snuggle on the couch and share soft kisses and stolen glances and share drinks and fall asleep on each others lap. No, he definitely did not want to stand that, he didn’t think he could. Didn’t think he could hold in the raging hurt or fleeting anger. Didn’t think he could keep a vivid enough smile plastered across his face before his jaw muscles began to ache. They were still sore from last time. 

Sighing, he took slow steps towards his room, heard the rustle when he dug into his pockets for his keys and the click when they turned in the doorway, signifying the right for him to enter. Pulling off his polo, it really was itchy, and unzipping his pants along the way he walked towards his closet in search of a pair of joggers and a comfy t-shirt. He could hear his fellow bandmates stampeding through the hallway; his door was yet to close fully, their heavy as hell fire doors took about 30 minutes to shut if you left them to close on their own. Deciding he too, should probably go over, he pulled the key out of the electricity socket and making sure the door was locked behind him, headed towards Zayn’s. 

“Hey brooo! Pizza good?” Curls bouncing he answered the door, face all smiles, eyes emerald and reflective. The unmistakable beat of “Carry Out” drifted through the house to the doorway, as Niall took a cautious step inside. Walking further, and seeing the rest of the crew lounging across the kitchen counters and stools his heart tightened when his eyes focused on the two people he dreaded seeing together. Pulling out a stool, he sat down and reached for some chips, something to keep him company. The other boys were all jokes and laughter, their happiness bouncing off the walls and right back at them like incessant little boomerangs, and after about 15 minutes of their constant chatter Niall couldn’t anymore. His eyes were a little droopy and his heart ached, and he just wanted out. It was one of those feelings where you can’t pinpoint what it is, but something just makes everything hurt and when everything hurts nothings really right and when nothings right a party’s the last thing you need so he stepped off the stool and walked towards Zayn. 

“Zayn thanks buddy but I’m kinda tired so I’m gonna go home now” the dark haired boy turned to face him, confusion flitting across his face.

“Everything okay Nialler? You’re not usually one to leave before the food!” He laughed but the concern was clear in his voice.

“Yeah, fine, I’m just not hungry and like I said, tired.”


	2. Chapter Two

Zayn’s eyes searched Niall’s for anything to latch on, anything that would give him away, but he could find nothing and the darkening bags beneath his sea blue irises proved that he was genuinely tired so he sighed in defeat and gave the Irish lad a hug. “Sweet dreams” the whisper was a joking dismissal, but to Niall the raspy words clung to his ears like fibers and crept into his brain and soaked up every breathing cell in his heart and he let him go and left the kitchen, still shaken from the simple hug. He stepped outside into the cool night air, the breeze catching his hair and drifting through his clothing, leaving behind a trace of shivering chills. Chills that were soon accompanied by the dull vibration of a blackberry somewhere within his coverage. He reached for his phone just as the vibration died down, and slipped it back into his pocket when noticing the caller name as Sean. He’d call him back later. Reaching his door, his left hand poked tirelessly around the pockets of his Puma joggers until, sighing, back towards the party house realizing he’d forgotten his keys. The door was still slightly ajar, so he just walked inside heading toward the kitchen when he noticed the music had died down and voices were drifting towards him instead. 

“I don’t even know man, like if he wants to be weird let him he’s not my problem.” He paused in his tracks at the stony words, a slither of an evil feeling crawling through his heart and leaving an icy cold trail in its path. 

“But Zayn he’s one of-”

Cutting Harry off, the Yorkshire lad continued, “I know he’s one of my ‘best friends’ but if he doesn’t wanna talk I don’t need to beg him to! I’m sick of his constant mood swings whenever he needs attention, he’s like a girl on her fucking period. I’m sick of trying and he’s not even important man, don’t sweat it, he’ll come round.” And by this time Nialls heart was just a big ball of crackled ice when he realized the ‘he’ they were speaking of was him and he backtracked slowly toward the door and silently went back to his room, onto the bed and under the duvet. And when he was warm and when he was comfortable and when he was sure the door was closed fully, he let the salty water that was pooling behind his eyes fall over and he hugged himself in a ball of wallowing self pity and let the sobs rack his body as he lay, an emotional mess under a pristine white duvet. 

-x-

He didn’t know how long he slept, or if he even slept at all, but he did know that when he looked in the mirror at 6:45AM the next morning his eyes were swollen and blotched with red, his face was tattooed by the force of his tears and his smile drooped and his hair was sticky and his body was cold and his room was empty. And he sluggishly brushed his teeth and tried to fix his hair and pulled on an outfit that Caroline would have deemed acceptable and walked outside to wait for the car. Being the first out, it gave him time to think, time to plan, time to organize his emotions. He was hurt, terribly so, but it wasn’t gonna change anything. He couldn’t let them see how much he was hurting or how much it had affected him. Being Niall Horan was a life everyone dreamed of, and he didn’t ever want anything to be any different. But there were problems with being Niall Horan, and one of them was that everyone always expected you to be happy, you to crack the jokes, you to talk 24/7, you to laugh at everything, you to always be awake. They just assumed Niall Horan didn’t get tired and didn’t get annoyed and didn’t get hurt. So when you are Niall Horan and you are tired and you are annoyed and you are hurt, you have to try extra hard to pretend you’re not. He had no more time to contemplate however, as Louis’ voice echoing from behind him meant his bandmates were here. 

“Morning Nialler! How’d yaa sleeeeepp?” His voice was way too chirpy, way too happy, he glanced suspiciously back at him and could almost see the phrase ‘I just had sex’ tattooed across his forehead, while Harry slumped closely behind, eyes half closed, hair a mess of curls and chocolate.

“Fine thanks” he lied, “you?” Generally, when Louis’ made it this obvious he’d got some he’d make some kind of innuendo, but today, he literally just couldn’t. And Louis noticed. Louis may be silly and Louis may be sassy and Louis may treat rules like cracks in the sidewalk but Louis never missed anything. He never missed a sign; he was always the first to know when someone was upset and the first to know when someone was not feeling right. And Niall knew he noticed. But neither said anything and changed conversation. 

“Someone finally decided to show up” he shouted, beckoning at the sleepy lad whose blonde tainted quiff lolled softly to the left as he sluggardly walked down the cold stone stairs and towards the van. 

“Morningggg” droned, sleep dripping precariously off the end of his g’s, as he took a seat next to Niall on the bench.

“What’s Perrie gonna do for the rest of the day?” 

“Dunno, sleep” You could hear the envy creeping out of Zayn’s tired tone. 

He’s not important. The words rang in Nialls head, making him oblivious to the outside conversation and stuck in his own internal conflict. 

When the van pulled up, and they were all comfortable for the 8 and a half hour journey to Edinburgh, Niall pulled his yellow and purple beats headphones out of his bag and turned the volume up, willing himself to get lost in his music, lost from the others and lost from his vicious thoughts. But the more one tries to run, the further one gets from escaping, and soon enough the villainous voice came creeping through his headphones.

You’ll never be good enough, look at you

He turned the music up a little higher.

You’re lucky you’re surrounded by good looking lads or no girl would even look at you

Maybe some dubstep would work, no one can hear anything above dubstep.

Let alone one of the hottest guys on the planet. 

So he was wrong. His eyes darted towards the lefthand corner of the car, where Zayn sat deep in concentration, texting someone;

Probably his girlfriend that he’s in love with, Perrie

Or his mum…

Give it up Niall, he doesn’t care. 

He sighed and leaned his heated forehead against the cool glass of the window on his right, and stared aimlessly at everything the car whizzed past; other cars, teenagers with headphones in, bikers, trucks, mums and their children, happy couples… Why did some people get so lucky? How did some people just find that person, and fall in love with that person, and that was it? They’d live happily together for the rest of their lives. Why couldn’t he just be happy? Find some girl with nice hair and nice eyes and ask her out and be happy? It couldn’t be that hard could it? I mean, it was the cycle of life wasn’t it? But one unintentional dart of his eyes towards the tanned boy on his left brought everything tumbling around him again, and he knew, deep in his heart that he never would be happy, he wasn’t destined to be fully happy because he would never ever love him back. 

What Niall felt for Zayn wasn’t a childish excuse for the want of a relationship, it wasn’t the need for pleasure. What Niall felt for Zayn was an irrevocable longing from every breathing cell in his body and a pulsing through his flowing bloodstream and a heat from deep inside his heart. He wanted to be able to run his hands through his ivory hair and plant gentle kisses on his quivering lips. He wanted to watch him laugh when he told a joke and see that twinkle in his eye directed at him. He wanted to cuddle on his chest when things were hard and fall asleep with his warmth wrapped around his desperate body. He wanted to hold him while he cried and make him soup when he was sick and hold his hand through everything new. That’s what Niall wanted, and his knowledge that it would never be attainable brought sharp pricks of weakness in the back of his retinas and he blinked rapidly to force them back into his skull; this could not happen now. 

Buzz. Startled, he turned his phone over and opened the awaiting message.

Mate, whats wrong? -Louis

Internally, he cursed, of course Louis had been watching him.

Nothing- I think I’m getting sick.

He hoped it would throw him off, maybe he should try fake coughing or something.

Bullshit Niall, why aren’t you talking? You always do, you know we’re right here waiting.

Dammit.

Because nothings wrong.

What else was he supposed to say?

Next stop- me and you, talk. 

He squeezed his eyes and exited the text screen. Shit.


	3. Chapter Three

“Wanna play a game you guys I’m boredddddd” Zayn whined.

 

“Well I brought cards…” Harrys monotone drool echoed from behind him.

 

“Lets doooo it I’m boored tooo” 

 

“Niall? Wanna play?”

 

“No thanks.” If there was anything he wasn’t, it was in the mood to be chirpy and giggly and play games. He could feel Louis’ questioning stare boring into the back of his head but he just turned up the volume on his iPhone and continued as if he didn’t notice, drowning out the soft chatter of his bandmates in the seats behind him. 

 

-x-

 

So, pretending to sleep hadn’t worked to his avail, and Niall was being dragged by the arm by none other than the Tomlinson, towards the general direction of the mens bathrooms.

 

“Spill.”

 

“I dunno.. what you want me to say” he mumbled, eyes firmly stationed on the grey tiling. 

 

“Why you’ve been acting weird since last night? Why you’ve barely joined in any conversation? Why I haven’t heard you properly laugh all day?”

 

“Tired.”

 

Louis sighed in exasperation. “Niall, you went to bed at nine thirty last night.”

 

“Couldn’t sleep.” His eyes hadn’t moved and his lips barely lifted as the softly spoken words pushed through them in a hurried escapade from within its confines. 

 

“Which means somethings bothering you.” Louis wouldn’t budge.

 

“Or I have Insomnia” 

 

“Yeah, right. Niall honestly, I’m not trying to bulldoze you for information I just want to help.” Louis’ tone softened a little, trying a different approach to delve into the stubborn boys mind. 

 

“I know Louis, but it’s nothing you can help me with. Really.” He looked up and smiled at the last word, before turning slowly and heading back outside. There had been no point in his continuos denial of there being a problem because Louis was too smart to accept that. So instead, he’d just decided to make clear he didn’t want to talk about it. Which he was certain worked when after 5 strides in the repellent direction of the brown haired boy, there were no following footsteps behind him. 

 

Louis took the hint, he wasn’t usually one to play oblivious to his bandmates miseries but having spent 2 years together, he knew his bandmates better (ignore the cliche) than he knew himself, and he therefore also knew that Niall was a special case; had always been a special case. When Harry was sad, he would immediately come to Louis and sit next to him or ask him if they could talk and put his head on his shoulder and cry and Louis would hug the younger boy through his sobs and sympathetically hum every now and then while ruffling his curls and just wait for Harry to stop talking before he did. Then in about ten minutes he would be chirpy and happy and all would be forgotten. Sometimes Louis wondered about him, maybe it was the fact that he was 3 years younger and therefore less mature, but he also knew, although Harry would deny this with every ounce of his being, that the boy just missed his mums cuddles and affection and sometimes craved a little extra love, which Louis was always happy to give him. Liam was a talker, he liked sitting with Lou in a corner of the room and talking, telling him what was wrong and how he was at a loss to fix things and then Louis would tell him what he thought and they would conjunctively discuss options and end with a little hug and a pat on the back. He did remember however that one time that Liam and Danielle had had that fight, which was the only time he saw Liam really crumble and remembered staying up with him all night, the Wolverhampton lad crying helplessly into his chest. Zayn, as much as Zayn liked to class himself the ‘bad boy’ he liked a good cry and whimper every now and then, and would come to Louis’ bedroom when everyone was asleep or busy and sit on the edge of his bed and begin by manly telling Louis how he didn’t care, and they weren’t worth it, and it was all stupid and he was really only complaining because it was all so darn dumb but his lip would quiver slightly and his eyes would glisten and Louis would ignore it all and pretend he didn’t notice how hurt the Yorkshire lad really was until that single tear slipped stray from his eye and he would bend in and rest his forehead on Louis’ shoulder and Louis would wrap his arms around him and let him weep. Then he would get up and wipe his eyes and thank him as if he had just secured a business deal and leave the room the same way he had come in. Louis knew, knew that when his bandmates were upset this would be the typical procedure, and all he had to do was ask if they were okay, and they would talk, or as soon as they were upset they would come to him, but with Niall, he didn’t. To begin with, the Irish lad didn’t really seem to get upset all that much, there didn’t seem to be too many things that really cut deep. Sure he liked to complain and wail but it was usually all in good measure, a simple little spat and never involved the need for comforting. Ofcourse he’d been upset before, but it was never predictable like it was with the others. The first time Niall had been upset when he and his brother got in that huge fight, he went to his room and locked himself in it and didn’t let anyone in. And when he finally did let people in he refused to agree that he was upset and told them he had simply fallen asleep and there was nothing the boys could do but accept it, although knowing otherwise. Then that night when Louis had been going to get some water from the kitchen he had heard a soft whimper from the direction of Niall’s room and had wandered in just to see how the Irish boy was and found him sobbing into his pillow in the pitch darkness and had held him all through the night in this way. Another distinct time was when Amy led Niall onto thinking that she was interested only to blatantly refuse him when he asked her to be official, and this time had called Louis at 3 am in the morning from Ireland and cried to him on the phone while Louis sat stunned, sleepy and helpless on the other end, unable to do anything but whisper ‘it’s okay, we love you.’ So now, when he could so visibly see the hurt in Niall’s eyes he didn’t know what to do because he knew that Irish lad hated being forced to talk and hated sympathy and knew that there was nothing he could do until he simply decided to talk to Louis himself and although Louis knew all he could do was wait he was itching to help his poor bandmate.


	4. Chapter Four

“Hey, hey Louis- Lou, wake up- Louis we’re here-” He stirred gently, grunting softly in annoyance before moving off Nialls left arm, which hung limply by his side; all feeling and senses temporarily diminished. 

“Alright boys, just wait in the lobby and I’ll get you your keys- theres one single and 2 adjoining, Liam you’ll be single, Zayn and Louis you’ll be together, and Harry and Niall you two will be together.” His instructions were clear but they were blurred by the ears of the 5 staggering boys, barely aware of where they were going, minutely missing walking into the doors. But even through his sleep-tainted brain, Niall was able to breathe a soft sigh of relief that he wasn’t rooming with Louis. As much as he loved the older boy and his desire to help him, he was in a situation that couldn’t be helped and he just couldn’t talk about, and really didn’t fancy being interrogated when all he really wanted to do was sleep. 

The rooms were nice and luxuriously furnished, spacious and open accommodations. Niall and Harry’s room had one main entrance but two separate, lockable doors leading to bedrooms within from a little living room with a 25 inch TV sat in the corner by the window. They could deal with 3 days in this place. 

-x-

“You have the rest of the day to do whatever you want, but I want you back in the hotel by 12 midnight. If you’re not back, you will be in hotel-arrest the rest of the trip. Have fun boys” Shutting the door behind him, Paul left the boys to decide what they were going to do with their night.

“I heard there was a great nightclub down 5th Avenue, we can go there if you like?” And Niall thought maybe this would be all he needed, to get away from the band for a little while; away from Zayn and Louis and his incessant evil feelings that were banging on his ribcage furious to be let loose; maybe he’d even get lucky, find a girl and be happy. Yes, this is what he needed, so he nodded his head in correspondence with Zayn’s suggestion. 

After he’d downed his 7th glass of beer and 17th shot of whatever the variety Niall Horan liked, he was evidently and completely drunk; his t shirt lay stranded within the depths of the strobe-lit arena, his hair falling over his face in a sexy mess and his blue eyes stormy and resilient. They shone through the sweat on his forehead, circling the room in drunken spirals, yet even in his second state of mind, his eyes could only land on the olive-skinned boy in the midst of the dance floor. 

-x-

“Niall?” He made sure to avoid the screech of the unoiled door hinge as he gently opened it to poke his head through and catch glimpse of the blonde haired boy who sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. Harry knew Niall liked to get drunk, that he liked to go to a party and have a good time, and by the end of it he’s usually buzzing from the adrenaline this ‘good time’ injected into his veins. But, even from his peaky position at the doorframe, Harry knew that this time wasn’t like that. Opening the door further, he cautiously stepped inside before closing it softly behind him.

“Mate whats wrong?” He’d been quiet all day during rehearsals, singing perfectly but barely making any effort after, and Harry had been meaning to ask him about it all day, anyway. 

Niall just looked up, cerulean eyes clouded with an overwhelming dose of alcohol and salt, cheeks flushed and lips soft and full. 

“Niall?” he tried again, louder this time yet still careful as not to come across as too forceful. With no response, he walked towards his older bandmate and wrapped his right arm around his shoulder, pulling him down so that they were lying on the bed, Niall’s head resting gently across Harry’s tattooed chest.

“Talk to me, Ni.” Harry was almost pleading at this point; he hated seeing his usually bubbly and carefree bandmate this solemn. 

And Niall wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or his incessant longing to talk, but something in the sincerity of the jungle-green irises that stared worriedly down at him and the innocence in Harry’s young features and the messy chocolate curls that sprawled across his forehead in a jumbled scatter as if he’d just gotten out of bed sent a wrath of vulnerability sprouting through Niall’s veins and injecting itself into his cells causing salty liquid to spring up into his eyes and a terrifying wrack to shake the length of his body. 

And Harry was alarmed by the smaller boys’ sudden change in mood and found himself at a loss of what to do; he had never been quite the ‘comforter’ he’d always listened and let anyone cry on his shoulder but when it came down to it he never knew what to say or do and would end up sitting awkwardly patting the person unevenly on the back while cautiously whispering incomprehensible words into their ear. 

“wawnt t quit t bwan” the words slurred from the drunk boys mouth, but the emotion they brought with them hit Harry hard in the chest. 

“Niall…..?” 

“I-I- I heard it y-y-you know”

“Niall I have no idea what you’re talking about” 

“I-Zayn-he-I” But the Irish boy couldn’t speak, couldn’t bring the heavy words out of his mouth, and favoured to be a sobbing mess in a stunned boys lap, crying and shaking and muttering nonsense until he finally fell still in a silent slumber. And Harry just carressed the sleeping boys cheek and played absentmindedly with his ruffled hair muttering soft “it’s okay’s” and “ssshh” and “i’m here’s” until he too, fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry the chapters are so short :S x


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